Friday, June 10, 2016

Self Doubt


People say that having Self Doubt is not good.

But, what do I do with Self Doubt?

Is there someplace where I can put it, so that it leaves me alone?

If I replace it, will Arrogance or Pridefulness move in?

 

If I get rid of Self Doubt . . . can I be “true to myself”?

Sometimes it is good to doubt oneself. . .

I doubt that I will survive if I jump off a tall building.

I better not try.

 

To know what one cannot do,

Is as important as knowing what I can do.

Is that Self Doubt?

Is that Reality?

 

I do not know.

But, do I need to know.

Can I live with doubt?

Can it be my friend?

 

If I make Self Doubt my friend, and let it speak

Do I have to follow its advice?

Can I tell it to “shut up” ?

Can I make it go away?

 

I doubt that I can ever leave Self Doubt behind

I doubt that I move beyond it

It is a part of me, but just a part

Hope surpasses it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Unfair


 

 

I wondered why life is unfair

I knew that it was

I knew that it always had been

But, why must it be unfair against me?

Why not in my favor?

 

I asked the mountain

But the mountain would not say

I did not think that it would

 

I looked at the sky

It was dark and empty

There was nothing in the air

 

Nearby a city glows

People run to and fro

And, here I stay, alone.

 

“It’s unfair!” I stammer

I yell. But, no one hears

“Why is it unfair?”

I scream at the dark.

 

The dark tells me to wait

Soon it disappears. Light forms

A cool breeze blows

Is this unfair?

 

The birds sing while the sun shines

I have coffee

I have food

I am alive

Yes, it’s unfair. But it’s okay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Scars upon the land


More scars upon the land: a tradeoff

In the 1980s the heavy metal band, Cinderella performed a ballad entitled “(you) don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone”.  They were talking about a jilted love affair.

That phrase has stayed with me—as have lots of phrases from music—it is amazing how many good sayings have come from songs, but that is another topic. So, today as I was traveling to the store, I noticed that an old farm was in the process of becoming a suburban neighborhood. Trees had been cleared, and the undulating ground straightened, leaving only a flat open field. New traffic lights had been installed, and a new sign, with a cute little girl beckoning prospective residents to consider moving into a new subdivision—with all the modern conveniences.

I used to enjoy driving along that patch of road. There was wildness to it, for though we live on the edge of a burgeoning city, this area has a small town, even bucolic feel about it. Cattle still graze nearby. Along the drive, one could see wildflowers, hear and sometimes see birds, and feel at peace.  It was a happy route.

I get it. We live in one of the fastest growing areas of our state. My wife and I have noticed that traffic has become much more of a problem since we moved here over a decade ago. People need somewhere to live. Property values are high, so relief, by way of more construction would be a benefit.

John Denver in his song “Rocky Mountain High”, penned the line, “more people, more scars upon the land”. His was an anthem for environmentalism.  For him the building of roads, stores, houses and everything else were “scars”.

I see his point. I wish that they would stop. Preserve the land! It is not enough that more people are moving into this formerly bucolic area, but that they are not arriving as simple pioneers. Rather they want all the conveniences of modern life. So instead of a modest home, for people who are looking to start a family, the new construction is aimed at jet-setters and the “nouveau riche”. Upper middle class mansions with well maintained lawns are what most seem to want.

Preserving the land appears to have taken a back seat to commercialization. But does it have to be?

People move here in part because of the beauty and climate. Many long term residents want to restrict newcomers, for they are concerned about losing some of the beauty and simplicity.

In America this problem seems to be more acute. In other world cites, the city proper is quite dense. But soon one can be in the more sparsely populated regions. Sure urban sprawl exists everywhere, but in this country, the idea seems to be unfortunately, to build more and bigger.

I hope that all of the trees are not cut. That some of the land remains uncommercialized.  We need to preserve and maintain what we have, for as the lyric reads “you don’t know what you’ve got, ‘til it’s gone.”

 

 

 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Unwashed feet


Unwashed feet all around with

Uncombed hair all covered in sweat as

Grimy hands reach into the air

 

Lo, into the air, those grimy hands reach

Above the uncombed hair and the unwashed feet

Of happy tired children who, in warm sunshine played

 

In warm sunshine they played, all glad-hearted and free

Running, singing, chasing and dancing

Free to be children, far from their city’s gloom

 

Far from the city’s gloom, now into a circle they gather

Though hot, thirsty and tired

Ready to leave, yet one task remains

 

See, one task remains as arms reach to sky

“Praise God”, the adult leader speaks and

Just for a moment all become still

 

All become still, for a prayer has begun

Thanking their God for the warm happy sun

That allowed them to be just kids for a day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday, February 19, 2016

God, the Concealer.


God as “The Concealer”

If religion were to advertise itself it may say that it is the conduit that allows humans to see the Divine. Religion in all its myriad forms, whether simple or complex, involves understanding God through revelation. That seems pretty straightforward; humans desire to understand the world around them, and themselves and thus seek God who imparts knowledge to them. Seeking God usually involves certain specific activities such as praying, reading sacred books, listening to sermons and so forth. God, it is said, can be reached via these methods. For many, contact with the divine involves emotion. God may evoke tears or laughter or solemnity—this feeling reminds us that the spirit of God is present.

But what if the person in need of answers finds none? What if, upon reading the Bible or other such book, nothing of importance stands out? What if religious services are attended, prayers are made, and there is no emotional validation? Critics allege that because of times such as these, that God does not exist, or is at best just a figment of our imagination.

Often it seems that instead of revealing God’s self to us, God instead seeks to conceal. Life is hard. Pain and suffering are ever-present. Many ask, “Where is God?” 

God can, and at times, is very present, such as when a person recovers from a serious illness in a miraculous way. But more often God hides. God does not rescue us from harm. God does not jump into human events to positively change the outcome. Even those who devote their lives to following God, at times, question with the idea that, maybe, God is uninterested.

I wonder if a new way of thinking about God needs to be utilized. Instead of providing answers religion, and by extension, God provides questions and uncertainty. Yet we tend to posit religion as a way to discover the truth.

I have often thought that trying to explain God to an atheist would be like trying to explain the need of a boat to someone who has lived all his life in the desert. It seems unnecessary and absurd.

Instead of presenting a faith that has answers, perhaps it would be better to highlight the uncertainty, the paradoxical and the incomprehensible. Religion is not a closed box.

Mystery perhaps should be understood as the thrust of religion—an exploration of the mysterious, not as way towards understanding, but as a way of recognition that we, as humans, are always “in the dark”. This is not a platitudinous faith.

We need to always search. God seems to enjoy playing hide and seek. God is found, only to be “lost” again. Like the waves crashing upon the shore, there is always more to God.

We need comfort and solace, but we also need space and freedom, usually at the same time. Our lives are thus paradoxical, and counter-intuitive. God works within that schema. We can recognize this, if we focus on the mysteriousness of the divine instead of looking for the absoluteness of God.

 

 

 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Stuck


Stuck

The sun is shining.

I want to go out

But, I am stuck

 

I have things to do

I cannot leave

For I am stuck

 

They say “it is for my own good”

For you see, something’s wrong

So, here I am stuck

 

Confined in this place

My mind wanders

As I am stuck

 

Outside there is freedom

Outside there is beauty

Yet I am stuck

 

Time moves slowly

I pray for relief

But still I remain stuck

 

Someday I will rejoin

And no longer will

I be stuck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday, January 24, 2016


Change and Resistance

 

I do not typically like changes. I prefer routine and order. But there are times when I embrace change, when it is something that I look forward to. For example, this weekend my wife and I went to the zoo. That was something I enjoy, but it was not routine. I was relaxed and ready for adventure.

It has often been said that there is nothing permanent in life except change.  I suppose that is true. But are there times when change is not the right course? Does change always need to occur? Sometimes I want to scream, “No”, in the face of change. Other times I want to hide in my room, where I am safe and free.

I especially hate it when change seems to come out of the blue, such as when Facebook changed its format or when my favorite television shows changed from one night to another. These make no sense, but, since they are items that I am interested in, I feel trapped. I have to adjust.  But because the changes that have occurred seem capricious and stupid, I often become frustrated.

Yet there are other times when I am accepting of change—when it is not a surprise and when I can prepare for it. I knew that moving to Florida and attending graduate school would be a big change, but it was something that I wanted and planned for. Plus now that I am married, I have a partner to help in my anxiety (and I in hers).  Even though this was a positive change, I still resisted. I postponed my enrollment at the university for one year. Why?

Perhaps it is because change is unpredictable. It makes sense to resist it, since I know what is going on now, but I have no idea what will occur in the future. Apparently I am not alone. Many people are stuck in bad jobs or marriages because they are resistant to change. The present with all of its problems at least has certainty.

Change and resistance appear to work in tandem. As has been said, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”. Resisting then, is our way to maintain control.  It makes us feel, for the time at least, that things are alright—that there is no need for change.

Long ago I heard a prayer, “God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. . . .” But, I do not want “to accept”. I want to pout. I want to argue. I want to resist, for as said sometimes change is not necessary.

Nonetheless I know that I need to ultimately accept change. It happens, everyday. I may dig my heals in, but in the end little usually improves. There is power in resisting, of sticking it to “the system”.

Somewhere there is a balance between accepting and resisting change. Too far one way and we become as leaves blowing in the wind—having no center and always changing to meet the current situation. Too far the other way  and we become stubborn, cynical and negative---the type of person that no one wants to be around.

Life is hard. There is always something changing. Sometimes it is welcoming and positive. Other times, it is not.

Resistance is important too. It is one of our coping mechanisms. Resist well. Use it sparingly, realizing when it will work and when it does not.

Change and resistance are two sides of the same coin. Remember that every part of life is connected, and at its center is love.