Contradiction

There are times when I want to go out and be social

Yet, I do not want to have my space invaded

I want to be free

But bound to my home

I want to laugh

Though inside I want to cry

 

Where is the way to go?

What is the thing I must do?

 

Tell Me!

For I want to be told

It is easier if I just follow along

 

Don’t Tell Me

Let me figure out.

I do not want to be led astray

 

I am confused

I am both sure and unsure

At peace and at war

With myself and with my world

It is all familiar, Yet strange

Anxiously my heart beats

I wish I was brave

To “come what may”

And follow the wind

But. . . .

There is a part of me

That wants to remain

In the back,

Out of the way

Alone but free

 

For, I want to be told

Yet I want also to tell

I want to lead as well as be led

I need to be heard

Yet do not want to speak

 

I live in two worlds at the same time

The one that is,

And the one that is not

The former is the present; it is reality

The later is the presumed; it is imagined

In one I am a humble servant

In the other, a grandiloquent star

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simple

Simple

 

I hear a bird chirping

In a nearby tree

 

I walk along a path

With my dog

 

Nothing is happening

Yet everything is alive

 

The trees sway as the squirrels race,

The wind blows gently across my face

 

I am alive

I am free

 It is not hard to find

Not elusive or remote

It is within and around

 

Simple

Serene

Peaceful

 

 

 

Inflexible

Inflexible

Inflexible it may seem

My life, a scheduled plan

I want to have the same routine

To know what I’ll do next

 

It makes me calm to think

That there is a time for this

And a time for that

With everything in its place

 

But, then something happens

My time somewhere else is needed

So my plans must change

As the unknown I’ll follow

 

Inflexible, they label me

A rigid man they say

Yet somehow I get things done

Somehow I find a way

 

Inflexible is what I like

It is my solace, my comfort

But it is not as it always seems

I can be open for those I love.

 

Short notice

This is what happened. I just returned from a vacation, and immediately got a call to go to work—in one hour. I hate short notice. For I had plans, I had things that I wanted to do: to write, to read, to think. . . But those will have to wait. Plans have been thwarted.

That is how life is. I am usually lucky in that I do not have such short notice. But it can occur.

There are people who are constantly interrupted, whose job seems to entail a series of short notices. Some of these are parents—for kids are always interrupting with some emergency or problem—doctors, especially those in a hospital where an emergency may occur at any moment— police and fire fighters who never receive notice. They always must be ready at a moment’s notice. . .

Semper Paratus is the Coast Guard motto. It means “always ready”. That is a good description of them. Something happens, a call is made, and off they go to rescue or search.

I am not naturally inclined to that. I like things planned, methodical and researched. Yet sometimes I feel the inclination to just go—to be spontaneous. But usuallythis is short-lived. I generally like my schedule.

So, off I go to work. It’ll be ok. I tend to over think, anyway. Now I can avoid that. I only have time to react. It may be better that way.

What now?

 

What now?

A few weeks ago a large number of gays at a nightclub were killed. The nation felt sorrow and sadness. Many went to church and prayed.  Last week five police officers were assassinated in Dallas. The nation felt profound sorrow and sadness. Many went to church and prayed.

It seems as a vicious cycle . . . watch, pray, repeat.

Eventually though we stop, for something else has gotten our attention. Life intrudes. This is part of humanity. We are a temporal people, who rarely find permanence. So we race to the nearest shiny object, yet upon seeing another, move on.

Across the nation passion still ignites. People protest and move into opposing camps, with each side claiming that they have the moral imperative, implying that God is on their side.

Everyone seems to want things to change. Some urge us, as a nation to move forward with acts of civil disobedience like shutting down roads, or picketing in front of the police headquarters. Others however simply want a return to peace and stability.

This is not new. This nation has gone through such strife before and will in the future. But the issue remains, should we become activists and work on changing the world, or resign ourselves to the fact that despite what we do—or say—little changes?

I am reminded of the Old Testament passage “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity”. In the end, everything we do remains inchoate. Looking at the long view of history, we see strife and resolve, peace and war, openness towards strangers and xenophobic retreat. Perhaps this is why some people become pessimistic and depressed, for they realize that human agency is very fleeting.

 So, what do we do?

We need to remember that our purpose is to live and love. God is the one doing all the work. Yes, we can strive to make the world better—and should. But like a house built on sand, it will soon be washed away, for it is not our doing.

God does not really need us. God can find someone else, or some other way.  That is what the divine does.

Yet this is not a "cop out". We have our job, for it is not what we do, but how we live—full of thankfulness, joy, and humility. Our lives are mostly mundane. We work. We eat. We sleep. But we also, befriend, help and support.

God does not need us—but God does want us. It is like a little kid who hands his father the tools while dad fixes the car. Dad could do it himself, but he wanted his child to assist and to learn.

Peace.

 

 

Self Doubt

People say that having Self Doubt is not good.

But, what do I do with Self Doubt?

Is there someplace where I can put it, so that it leaves me alone?

If I replace it, will Arrogance or Pridefulness move in?

 

If I get rid of Self Doubt . . . can I be “true to myself”?

Sometimes it is good to doubt oneself. . .

I doubt that I will survive if I jump off a tall building.

I better not try.

 

To know what one cannot do,

Is as important as knowing what I can do.

Is that Self Doubt?

Is that Reality?

 

I do not know.

But, do I need to know.

Can I live with doubt?

Can it be my friend?

 

If I make Self Doubt my friend, and let it speak

Do I have to follow its advice?

Can I tell it to “shut up” ?

Can I make it go away?

 

I doubt that I can ever leave Self Doubt behind

I doubt that I move beyond it

It is a part of me, but just a part

Hope surpasses it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfair

 

 

I wondered why life is unfair

I knew that it was

I knew that it always had been

But, why must it be unfair against me?

Why not in my favor?

 

I asked the mountain

But the mountain would not say

I did not think that it would

 

I looked at the sky

It was dark and empty

There was nothing in the air

 

Nearby a city glows

People run to and fro

And, here I stay, alone.

 

“It’s unfair!” I stammer

I yell. But, no one hears

“Why is it unfair?”

I scream at the dark.

 

The dark tells me to wait

Soon it disappears. Light forms

A cool breeze blows

Is this unfair?

 

The birds sing while the sun shines

I have coffee

I have food

I am alive

Yes, it’s unfair. But it’s okay